Search This Blog

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Sex Advice From Grandma (Must Read!)


A Nerve reader's 84year old
grandmother on sexual positions, STDs,
and the importance of foreplay.
Written by Alison Denisco.

When I was twenty years old and
dating my first serious boyfriend,
my grandma Carmela asked my
mother point-blank if I was still a
virgin. She didn't get an answer, but
I came home on my next college
break to find the now-infamous
Grandma Sex Letter patiently
awaiting my arrival, the
grandmotherly cursive writing on
the back of a newsletter from her
senior housing facility belying its
scandalous nature. What follows is
explicit yet touching advice on sex
and love from my eighty-six-year-
old grandma.

Continue to read the letter. You will learn
a lot :-)

My beloved Alison,
Now that you have become a complete
woman, I want to give you my thoughts
and hints on sex and love and a few lessons
about people, from your grandmother who
has been there to you who are just
beginning.
1. To know if you are both in love, you feel
a "connection" in bed. If you feel ALONE in
bed when having sex, you are with
the WRONG man. This is CRITICAL!
The connection of mind, body, soul!
2. There is real love that everyone wants
but it does not happen to everyone — it is
called "soul-mates," spiritual, supernatural.
This is the highest form of love — it is a
religious feeling. You have found God. You
know instantly, "love at first sight." You
know he was meant for you and he is your
real husband, and he knows you are his
wife-to-be.
3. When having sex and the female does
not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the
female gets on top of the man. It always
works, the female has a climax and
enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex
on you, enjoy it!
4. Always make sure the man's penis
is CLEAN . Make sure he washes it with soap
and water before coming to bed.
5. Many men are PIGS . They want sex every
day! You are not obligated to say "yes" to
please him if you do not feel up to it. You
never do anything unless you want to.
To pacify the pig, give
him manual stimulation!
6. Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get
diseases, especially if after anal, he
goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if
there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men
love it. Don't swallow his SEMEN ! You can
get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes.
Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no
symptoms and can leave you sterile. You
both would need antibiotics!
7. Some men are pre-mature ejaculators;
that is very frustrating and bad for the
female. He needs help to learn to control
himself until the female is ready.
8. There should be foreplay to get the girl
ready. As you get older, more experienced,
you can skip all that and it is over in 7
minutes.
9. Perhaps you already know all these hints.
I hope you find it helpful; I love you and do
not want you to make a mistake . Never
marry someone and say "Well, I can always
get a divorce if I'm not happy." When there
are children, you are never divorced. The
ex-husband will be in your life forever, so
make sure you marry the right guy.
10. Make sure you never marry an abusive
control freak. When a man loves you, there
is respect. He will be proud of you and your
achievements — not jealous and needing to
know your every move, or keeping you
away from family and friends. Make sure he
comes from a happy family with a loving
mother and father who have a good
marriage.
11. Never, never tell a boyfriend if you have
any savings, inheritance-to-be or your
salary when you graduate. Some men look
for a woman with money. I do not respect
such men! If he has credit card
debt, DUMP him immediately! You only
discuss finances with the man you want to
marry.
12. Should you date a man who is stingy ,
dollar conscious, and you love to spend
money, the relationship will never work
unless you are a thrifty person yourself,
then you can put up with him.
13. When dating a new man, do not feel
obligated to have sex with him because he
bought you dinner. To avoid this, pay for
your own dinner. You are getting to know
each other. You are not a homeless person
who needs a meal.
14. Be happy, be with someone whose
company you enjoy and you can't live
without, and respect him. Watch out for
womanizers, drunks !
15. You can make sure you know a man
well by dating him on weekends and
vacations. If he's unsure about committing,
DUMP him. No excuses.
16. Hope you find the happiness you
deserve. There should be love, respect,
admiration, trust, and a mental and physical
connection. If you find "true love," you will
live happily every after. That is true.
Love,
Grandma Carmela

1 comment:

  1. I really enjoyed this piece of advice,thanks grandma carmela u ave helped ur grand-daughter a lot

    ReplyDelete